Tripping on a flat and deceptively unimpeded surface

 The Iron Pentacle. The Iron Pentacle. The Iron Pentacle.

What is it? It's a tool for growth, for change, for exploration, for transformation. It's a tool of excavation. It's a tool to make known what might be hidden. It's a tool. A tool that can be used for self-development and more. Because of all this, sometimes you may find yourself wading in what seems like shallow enough waters only to take a step and end up in over your head trying to swim back to the surface. Sometimes you will be walking along a deceptively flat and unimpeded surface only to trip over something you didn't know was there, or even trip over nothing at all simply because you're clumsy. It is impossible (for me) to be prepared for something I am completely unaware of.

I pulled a card for today's workings and I didn't really like what I saw. I mean, just being at camp is stepping out of my comfort zone so if the card is offering that on top, I could have been forewarned! Actually, I shared the prose from yesterday in the group so I guess I did step out of my comfort zone but in a deep breath, I can do this kind of way not a hold onto your horses we're galloping kind of way...

We started the day with the Pride point today. I actually felt quite comfortable with it. Maybe because yesterdays ritual was already working that point or perhaps I did not dive deep enough but when we did the process of looking at pride and the shadow side of pride - Shame - and the inflated side of pride - Arrogance - I felt no discomfort standing in the balanced position of pride. This is interesting to me as I was raised under the conditioning of pride being a sin, yet I believe I had already done a lot of work to shed that holding because I do not think pride is a sin, at least not in its balanced form. I think it is acceptable to be proud of yourself, proud of your accomplishments, proud of your behaviour, your morals, your values, proud of other people and their achievements. I think that is all perfectly OK. Maybe as I work the Iron Pentacle more I will go deeper and find something there but Pride was pretty cruisy for me.

We were asked to go through rounds where each of us named our direct ancestors, from our parents, as far back as we could name them. The second round invited us to name our lineage - for me that meant naming the Italian, Lavian, Scottish and Irish. The third round was about naming the spiritual ancestors we feel connected to. I named myself Daughter of the witches, the dragons, the black sheep. Daughter of Hecate. Daughter of Aphrodite. Daughter of the others and the unnamed ones. In the last round, we were asked to acknowledge the unnamed ancestors. I named the alcoholics, the child abusers, the advocates, the rebels, the misogynists and oppressors, the way makers and wavemakers.

It was a curious experience for me. I have no connection to my genetic family lines, so I hold no pride where they are concerned but when I spoke my heritage I felt pride. I am proud to be a bitsa. When I named my spiritual ancestors though, I felt quite emotional. Tears welled in the back of my eyes and as I sit here and reflect on this, I think perhaps it was my spiritual ancestors joy in being acknowledged as such. It felt right to name them. I had not really associate or attached pride to these things but there definitely is some there. Next, we were invited to pull cards for Pride in its three forms.

This is what I pulled for Shame:

I've actually been sitting with shame for a while now. Shame for how I have not looked after my body and thus I am morbidly obese. Shame over my inability to do what I know I need to do to get back to a healthier weight. Shame that I struggle with what I eat. Shame that it feels so difficult to remove the excess weight. Shame that I can barely bring myself to exercise for 10 minutes or go for a walk. I have been carrying around this Shame for a long, long time now so this card is exciting to receive. My shame has been building so it indicates a climax, which is the moment before a thing finishes, so I am hopeful this indicates a culmination and ending to this shame I carry so I can find a way to love my body as it is and care for my body regardless of how it is. So I'll hold this shame a little while longer and let it reach it's climax so that I may fully let it go when the time comes.

This is what I pulled for Arrogance:

When I pulled this and read it I instantly thought to myself huh? Why do I need to release anything, I'm not arrogant! Then heard my arrogance in my inner voice and laughed at myself. From this card, I am opening to the acceptance that I have some arrogance that I blind myself to. I will hold this lightly and gently. I will not beat myself up for it. I will not go looking for my arrogance; however, I may be more sensitive to its presence in my life moving forward and intentionally let it go when I come across it.

This is what I pulled for Pride:

This felt like something to celebrate. The end of a tough cycle, oh how my weary bones need that to be the truth. It's interesting if taken all together, a fiery climax approaches, what do I need to release and the end of a tough cycle approaches, perhaps anger will arise for me to let go so the cycle can end. Sounds good to me!

From here we moved into Power. I headed into this... unconcerned? Foolish of me as I look back now really. I knew the Iron Pentacle was well known for bringing up stuff to be worked on and worked with so I don't know why I expected these last two to just be cruisy and flow over me unchallenged. We were asked to describe how we experience Power in a few short words. I mentioned that when I am faced with someone's power over me it triggers my rebellious nature and that tends to make me push back with righteous power of my own, yet only when I'm pushed does this happen. I also acknowledged that I all too easily give my power away. It drives me bonkers, it frustrates and annoys me that I do this. It is the people-pleaser in me. My boundaries are still so wavering. Though growing stronger, they are still so malleable and I often find myself giving my power away without realising I'm doing it until afterwards and sometimes, even worse, I find myself freely giving my power away consciously.

Working with power began to feel a little owie. I think I have a lot of stuff around power but I'm not sure what. Perhaps from the instances where my power was stolen from me or ripped from me and also those parts where I gave away my power. I am sad that I allow this to happen, even a little angry at myself that I keep letting it happen. I know it is a conditioned response/reaction, that part in me that is a people pleaser. It occurred to me as we sat with the point of power that I haven't given it a lot of thought before. It didn't even really occur to me that power could be something to look at in my life or in the rest of life. So I guess it was quite a shock when I was wading in what I thought was quite shallow water and all of a sudden I found myself in over my head.

After path had finished, I ended up in grief and pain from something unnamed around power. There was this place in me that felt timid and tender and bruised like it's been beaten up. It's connected to a great whooping breath in of grief and pain. This part of me I have found looks small and curled up, almost like Smegle from Lord of the Rings, if you've seen it, all curled up in a ball but bruised and battered with purple, blue and yellowing bruises. It left me feeling rather tender and raw myself. I decided to tend to myself rather than my Well-Being Witch duties for the rest of the day.

Thankfully there was not a lot left to the day but more on that tomorrow.