Mother's Day.

 I find myself with nothing to write about today. The woman who was told as a child that she could talk under water has nothing to say? How can this be? I always have something to say. I always have an opinion about something, yet today I feel this vast emptiness in my head like putting your ear up to a shell.

I think it is partly because I find myself in one of those limbo moments. The calm in the eye of the storm. The last first trimester of my uni degree is done and I am about to go on my 5-day intensive Voice & Sound elective this coming week and when they say intensive, I'm expecting it to be intense! Then I will be heading straight into my second placement, which I'm hoping to do at a beautiful place that caters to pregnant women and new parents. I have so many ideas for art therapy processes I had to make a Word document. I'm excited to get it done. I'm hoping it will bring me paid work, I'm so tired of always stressing about money.

It's Mother's Day today, so I wish all mother's everywhere a beautiful day. Mother's Day isn't one of those holidays that feels particularly special or worthy of much to me. I am a mother every single day, so every day I'm with my kids is mother's day. I am estranged from my own mother, though I do wish her a very blessed mother's day, wherever she is and whatever she is doing. Our relationship was a tumultuous one and when I was already in a toxic marriage, I simply did not have the bandwidth to have to deal with a second relationship that required me to walk on eggshells waiting for the next bitchslap. So I made the difficult and brave decision to cut her out of my life. I miss her. I miss my mother.

I did not grow up with her. I was raised by my father's parents and I didn't really meet my mother again until I was 9 years old, after she left when I was 2. I eventually ran away to live with her when I was a teenager and I thought all my wishes and dreams had been answered. Alas, that was not the case. I won't get into the details of our tumultuous relationship but needless to say, I never felt good enough with her. I always felt like a burden or an afterthought or second best to my younger sister. My mother probably thinks I hate her, because I cut her out of mine and my children's lives but I don't. I love her, I love her very much and I truly do wish her happiness and fulfilment and all that she desires to experience in this lifetime, just not a relationship with me. Once my kids are older she is free to pursue a relationship with them if she desires but for now, it's safer for us all to not have her in our lives.

Yet for me, I don't know. I love my kids and I love that they love me but there is something rather ordinary about Mother's Day for me. I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps that has something to do with my lack of anything to write about today but I'm still writing because I am still committed to writing a blog post every day if I can. I might need to pre-write a few before Friday when my 5-day intensive starts. While I may have a lot to write about on those days, I may not have the time. I'm not used to being out of the house that much so it's going to drain me pretty epically no doubt.

That's all for today, I think. Remember to breathe. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Remember you are worthy, you are lovable and you are loved.

In Joy!