How do you go back to normal?

How do you go back to normal when a piece of you has changed so irrevocably? When an integral part of you has shifted, altered, rearranged itself? How do you go back to normal when you are so forcefully and willingly propelled into a new state of being?

I can hear voices in my head saying, you don't. You don't go back, never go back! What if, though, in your journey of change, in your journey of being propelled forward into new ways of self-expression, new forms of bravery, new ways of being in the world, you find that you still have to have your foot stuck back in the old normal? Then what?

I hope you aren't looking to me for an answer because I do not have one. I just spent 5 days from 9 am until just after 4 pm in a Voice and Sound elective for my Uni degree. We explored the psychology of voice and sound, we were trained in how to breathe effectively, we were invited to explore our voice and the different sounds it makes and look at how we make those sounds. We looked at how anxiety can show up in a voice, how depression can be heard, in my own experience being the therapist I discovered what contained or repressed anger sounds like in a voice and what it sounds like when someone is carrying a heavy, heavy burden. It has been such an amazing and interesting journey. I was not ready for it to end.

Yet end it had to. Back to the old way of life I had to go even though I was so deeply and irrevocably changed by the experience. It felt cloying and sluggish to have to go back to doing Medical Transcription when I feel so ready now to step into my life as a therapist. I feel like I found my therapeutic voice and I am ready to use it!

At the end of the 5-day intensive we were to prepare a piece that allowed us to fully express ourselves using our voice and what we have learned. the piece was meant to be about us and our journey but also a story, a message that we wanted to share, something we wanted to tell people. I admit it, I was terrified - or in the words of ABBA "At first I was afraid, I was petrified..." I could not imagine how I was ever going to come up with something in such a short period of time. Then we found out we could sing an already established song or we could read a poem or a speech, a sonnet, whatever spoke to what we were trying to say, as long as we were being expressive.

 As soon as I heard that, I immediately thought of one of my most favourite songs, it was something I wanted to be brave enough to sing for people one day and it expressed a part of who I am. For me, the song speaks to being persecuted for who you are but also it speaks to the beat of our heart going on and that no matter what is done to us, we will go on, we will keep fighting, keep living, keep being our authentic selves.

The presentation was only meant to be 2 to 5 minutes though and this song goes for longer than that. Also, it's their words, their work, their voices and I had to put myself in there. I had to find my own expression. I was so dogged about having to sing the song that it took me until the -enth hour to make it my own. I can get so narrow visioned sometimes. After workshopping it with my teacher though, I realised 1- I didn't have to sing it, I could do it as the spoken word. 2- I didn't have to keep all their lyrics/words, I could put in my own, mix it and change it up and make sure it stayed within the 2 to 5-minute zone, which I did finally. I only practised speaking it once really and I didn't use all of my expression and before we finally went in to begin the expressions I knew I had to scream in one part. I mean really scream, I mean let-out-my-rage-and-pain kind of scream. That was scary enough in itself but to do it in front of 12 other humans? But if I was to honour the brief of what was being asked of me, I knew that was what I had to do, so I did! Holy hell I did.

I am not brave enough to show you, Dear Reader, the recording of my performance because it is confronting for me, to see what I look like. In my head I'm nowhere near as big as I am in reality so watching myself is painful and the thought of other people watching it, even more painful. I am going to keep it though because one day, I hope I will feel safe enough to share it, so show people where I was and then where I am. So let me just say it was pretty powerful, raw and expressive. It definitely met the brief and I even got a standing ovation and it changed me. It dislodged something in me that then fell away. It unclogged a blockage perhaps? I came away from this 5 days different and I can't necessarily put my finger on exactly what it is but there is something different here now in my body, in my being. 

On the way home from the intensive I heard a whispering in my mind. Keep the momentum going, it said. Don't go back to hiding yourself, it said. It's safe to be seen now, it said. It is safe to be heard now, it said. You must start practising, it said. Practising what? Practising speaking, using my voice. I am really good at expressing myself and speaking in the written word, not so much verbally. It's time for me to begin honing that skill, to begin practising that skill. So I made a commitment. I committed to doing Facebook lives! I'm going to start with the unrestricted people on my friend list and as I get used to it, as I explore my voice and what it wants to say I will then open it up to all the friends on my list and from there, from there one day I will do it in my business pages! This is the dream. The dream is that I can speak freely and without fear, that I will learn to steady my voice and my mind will stop going blank and will always know what to say and how to say it. So I'm going to start small but at least it is a start. That first baby step has been taken. I almost backed out. I almost didn't do it. I almost made an excuse and kept myself small and cowering in fear but then I did it. I took a breath and did it. I DID IT! I did my very first Facebook live and people watched it and they were so supportive and cheering me on, showing up for me to help me teach my brain that it's ok, I am safe. 

There is so much to unpack here and I do not want to make this post too long, so I will leave it here. Maybe I will return to it at some point, maybe I won't but for now... I DID IT.

I AM BRAVE
I AM FREE
I AM WHO I'M MEANT TO BE
THIS IS ME!