Elbow deep in Mundanity

 I've crash-landed into the Muggle World and I have to admit I do not like it. I do not like it a bit, not even close,

Unfortunately, it's necessary because I'm a Muggle Girl, in a Muggle World, It's fantastic, all made of plastic... I have spent almost all day working on my lit review and my brain might be rebelling!

As I have no Witchy Wonderfulness to share and my lit review is probably only fascinating to me, myself and I, I thought I would share about a really awesome thing I was gifted by an amazingly awesome human I know.

Have you heard of The Sketchbook Project? They send you out a little sketchbook that you have about six months to fill it and then you send it back and it's put in a library in Brooklyn where people can go and browse through all the amazing art! They even take some of the books on tour to show people and there is also an online library as well so you can go look at some of the books online. I flippantly put a link to it up on my Facebook around October/November last year and said if anyone wants to buy me a b'day present this would be it! Not really expecting anyone to get it for me but Katrina did! It didn't show up until January but then there it was and I was so happy and so excited! I have until August 2021 to get it done and sent back overseas.

You can alter it in any way you like, as long as it stays within a set measurement, so I cut some canvas and painted a wrap-around cover sewing on a button so it would do up nice and neat then I proceeded to add an extra page here and there. I thought it would be nice to have some kind of theme, so I have decided it would be a book of quotes. The first quote I put in was my favourite ever Rumi quote:

I then put in my favourite quote from the Labyrinth movie:

I have more but I'll save them for another post because my life is literally going to be all about getting this lit review done within the next five days and this at least leaves me something interesting to post about. So In Joy!

Sometimes you have to parent yourself.

 

I tend to need this as a constant reminder, every moment of every day and if I need it, then maybe you need it to. Sometimes it is difficult for me to accept myself as being worthy, enough, strong, powerful. Sometimes it's easier for me to believe I deserve to be treated badly rather than deserve to be treated well, that I deserve only bad things to happen to me rather than good things. Sometimes I definitely do not feel capable. Sometimes I need to slap that inner bitch inside me upside its metaphorical head though.

How do I slap it down? I take a moment to ground myself, connect to Source (whatever Source is for you, maybe it's one God or many God's or Goddesses, maybe it is the collective Universe, perhaps it is the Akashik records) and then centre myself to the here and now, the present. I do that often by pretending I am a tree and imagine my feet growing into roots that connect right down through the Earth's crust, past the crystal caves, diving into the hot, hot magma and connecting right into the Earth's iron core and pulling that warmth and strength up into my body that Earth willingly gives me for I am her daughter and she loves me. I extend my arms and head out and upward like limbs in a tree reaching up, up, up as far as I can imagine usually tapping into an imaginary celestial brain of all-knowing, bringing the cool, calm, all-knowing power down that he willingly gives me for I am his daughter and he loves me and then I tap into my heartbeat in the middle, the centre of where and who I am and imagine it thrumming away in the here, in the now. Connected. Centred. Present.

I disconnect myself from the past, I stop imagining the future, I focus on right now. I do that by focusing on my senses, what can I see? What can I feel with my body, my hands, my skin? What can I smell? What can I taste? What can I hear? I focus on my breath. I take at least three deep breaths in and just when I think I have filled my lungs to capacity, I try to suck in a little bit more and I hold it, then release it and when I think I have emptied my lungs all the way, I try to push out just a little bit more.

Sometimes that isn't enough though, you know? Sometimes my busy, busy, opinionated brain has a way of refusing to budge from its woe-it-me. I made a list one day and committed to trying to do at least one thing on the list when I am feeling this way. I call it my list of Self-Parenting. The Interwebs is all about Self-Care this and Self-Care that but it just doesn't sit with me. Don't get me wrong, I am doing my best to care for me but when I think of being cared for, I think of being a mother and caring for my children and it occurred to me, I need to Self-Parent. Because being a full-time Uni student, a medical transcription contractor and a mother, artist, witch, I simply don't have time for Self-Care sometimes and sometimes what I think of as Self-Care. That is when my Inner Parent needs to step in and say, ok so you don't have time for a long hot shower? Just go have a quick 5-minute one then. You don't have time to go for a half-hour walk? Just walk out to the letterbox and back then. As much as my Inner Child likes to arc up and want to just run wild and play hookey, she knows that when my Inner Parent steps in like that, THAT is when I am truly caring for myself.

I have worked a lot with the Inner Child. I have made it through most of Lucia Capacchione's book Recovery of Your Inner Child. I have even created an Inner Child Workshop over on Udemy that guides you through creating a sacred journal specifically for working with the Inner Child and guiding on how to draw and then communicate with your Inner Child using dominant and non-dominant hand communication. It occurred to me as I did the work that what I really need, is to Self-Parent. I realised somewhere along the time that I was so unparenting/unnurtured/uncared for as a child that I was missing that component in my life, that no one else was going to do it for me and that I needed to step up for myself.

So I decided to put together a list of Self-Parenting prompts for those times where I'm feeling beyond low. I know I forget. I forget to look after myself the way I look after my children no matter how I'm feeling. I am the one that gets left behind. So I made a list to look at when I'm lower than low and I choose at least ONE thing from the list. Just one. More is better if I can manage it but I only choose one if that is all I can manage and that might be enough to build the energy into letting me do two things the next day and maybe three the day after until I claw and scrape my way out of the pit.

SELF-PARENTING LIST

1. Have a shower/bath.

2. Brush your teeth.

3. Brush your hair.

4. Put on some makeup.

5. Dress up.

6. Do one chore that needs to be done.

7. Make the bed.

8. Read one chapter of a fictional novel.

9. Do one Uni requirement (read a page of uni text, work on an assessment for 5 minutes, etc).

10. Mow the lawn/do some gardening.

11. Go for a short walk.

12. Have a piece of fruit.

13. Eat a vegetable.

14. Drink a glass of water.

15. Find a new recipe to try.

16. Sing one song.

17. Dance/move your body for one song.

18. Give/receive a hug.

19. Tell someone you love them.

20. Tell someone something you admire about them.

21. Find 10 things to be grateful for - even if it's as simple as having an indoor toilet that flushes.

22. Do at least 5 minutes of an LMOD session.

Even that doesn't help some days if I'm being brutally honest. Some days it's hard to even be bothered to get out of bed let alone brush my teeth but when I only ask myself to do one thing on this list, it seems a little more manageable. I can push myself to do just one thing. This helps me. It might not help you or maybe it could, so it's here if ever you find you need it. If ever you need to feel you're not alone when getting out of bed is an accomplishment, know I have my days like that too. Sometimes, just doing the Self-Parenting needs to be done before you can even make it up the ladder to the frivilous and fun Self-Care that the memes love to talk about.

Do you have an Internal Dialogue?

A book I ordered on Tuesday already arrived! (it's Thursday as I type this). I can't get over how quickly it arrived and part of me feels like the Universe is keen for me to dive into it and keep myself in the magic of the Reclaiming Tradition as this book is the very first of the core classes of the Reclaiming Tradition:

I am going to really try to take my time with it though and dive deep and do the work. Also, I still have a 4,000- to 10,000-word literature review to write by next Thursday so not really any time to begin to dive into this just yet. When I do start to dive into it though I will blog about my thoughts and experiences as I go.

I had so much to say, to write about while I was at WitchCamp and now my blog feels boring and lacklustre. My life has gone back to the mundane, overworked, too high mental load that leaves me with little time and what time I do have I am exhausted from the mental load. Today's mental load brought to you buy hours working on my literature review trying to synthesize the details of all the studies I've read so far on the Inner Experience by way of inner-speech, internal monologue and internal dialogues. It sucks at my bandwidth and leaves me depleted, especially knowing I only have one week left until it is due. This literature review will be my life over the next 7 days.

It is a fascinating topic though and the study of "The Phenomena of Inner Experience" by Christopher L. Heavey & Russell T. Hurlburt (2007) talks about 16 different ways of experiencing our inner world but this study focuses on the top five most common occurrences:

1. Inner seeing

2. Internal dialogue.

3. Feelings - such as I am feeling sad/angry/scared.

4. Unsymbolised thinking (without words or symbols)

5. Sensory thinking - as in experiencing what you are feeling, such as I feel cold right now.

I found this topic interesting because I watched the Netflix Series "You" and then the internet lost its mind discovering not everyone has an internal monologue like the main character. As someone who vividly experiences not just an inner monologue but an inner dialogue of many different I-positions (I-as mother, I-as friend, etc) as well as internal arguments with people like the kids' father, I, too, could not wrap my head around the idea of this Unsymbolised Thinking. It just does not compute in my world. Just as, for those who only experience Unsymbolised Thinking, it doesn't compute that people might walk around with this internal monologue their whole lives. Next thing you know, I have a literature review I need to do for my research topic in my Arts Therapy bachelor degree and what better thing to research than the way people experience their internal worlds?

So, let's have a poll (I would add an actual poll here but I'm not that blog savvy yet so you'll just have to put your vote in a comment for me). How do you experience your internal world the most out of the above 5 options? Or do you regularly have a combination of them? For instance, I always have some kind of internal dialogue happening, I often have inner seeing (or visualisation) happening at the same time and I am sometimes experiencing feelings. What about you? How do you experience your internal world? Do you hear yourself or even someone else speak words in your mind? Do you only see pictures? Perhaps you just know things without any conscious awareness of words or symbols. Inquiring minds would love to know how you experience your internal world. Maybe it's something completely different to the five options from above. Tell me! Tell me how you experience your inner world.

Muggle Life Blues

 It is SUCH a struggle to slip back into #mugglelife after five days spent between the worlds doing the work that changes all the worlds, the work that starts with the self and ripples ever outward. I am a medical transcriptionist (MT) in my muggle life and it doesn't pay so well, which is why I'm studying to be an Arts Therapist and am in my third year of a bachelor degree but for now, the MT pays the rent and is flexible in that I can choose when I work and how many hours I work and I work from home. So today, the very day after camp finished, I find myself sitting here having to do MT and it was tedious and soul depleting but I feel oh-so-stuck.

So today has been a struggle. I have a WitchCamp hangover filled with the sads. I was prepared for that though. I'd love to live between the worlds and do nothing but work on putting myself back together kintsugi style but society is structured in such a way to make that impossible. Bills need to be paid, mouths need to be fed, education must be had and medical needs must be met. 

Kintsugi: the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer mixed with gold, silver or platinum. Also known as Golden Joinery.

I ran the Iron Pentacle and that seemed to get me through the day and I have to just be ok with that being enough for now. Like I said through WitchCamp, I would like to spend more time with each point and so I have ordered Jane Meredith and Gede Parma's Book: Magic of the Iron Pentacle. May it get to me quickly though in the meantime I really need to get back to writing my Lit Review. It's due next week and it needs to be between 4,000 and 10,000 words. So it's probably better that the book doesn't reach me too quickly because a Literature Review requires a lot and a lot and a lot lot lot of reading! I gave myself the day of working on it as I slip back into Muggle Life but I definitely need to start working on it again tomorrow.

My Lit Review is looking at a truly fascinating topic. I'm looking at how human's experience their internal world. Do you hear your thoughts with your own or another person's voice? Do you see your voice in images like a movie or symbols? Do you simply sense with your mind rather than see or hear things? Do you just have feelings without an awareness of any thought process going on underneath it? How do you experience your inner world? Have you even ever stopped to think about how you think? Intriguing no? It is for me. So that is part of my literature review.

However, I'm an Arts Therapist. Did you notice the 's' on the end of that? Not an Art Therapist, an Art(s) Therapist. What that means is I create space and provide the materials and tools in a therapeutic way that allows my clients to express themselves, to discover themselves, to gain insight, to create change, to use kintsugi on themselves. It occurred to me during WitchCamp that what we do there is actually very much Arts Therapy. Art(s) can be anything from drawing and painting to sculpting, to dance, to storytelling, to writing, to movement, to singing and chanting to sand tray work to collage and just about anything else you can think of and at WitchCamp what are we doing? We are doing witchCRAFT and what is craft? It's part of art. WitchCamp takes us through experiential processes. Arts Therapy takes us through experiential processes! It gives me chills to see my worlds converging like that.

The experience of Arts Therapy

That may have seemed like a bit of a tangent but it's related to the Lit Review because the Lit Review is not just about the workings of the inner world in the individual. I am also looking at Expressive Writing and how that helps in a therapeutic way and further, I'm looking at Lucia Capacchione's idea's on writing or drawing with the non-dominant hand and how doing so can allow us to tap into our subconscious or unconscious. So what my Lit Review is looking at, is aiming at, is driving toward, is to question can we make the internal world external and in doing so capture our unconscious world on the paper?

In order to do that though I have to read study, after study, after study on the Inner World, inner speech, inner monologue, inner dialogue, inner vision, inner communication and see what the researchers have discovered in this area. Then I have to do the same thing on the Expressive Writing side of things, looking at as many studies as I can to see what those researchers are saying, then I will take What Lucia Capacchione writes about in her numerous books and I will try to weave (there's that Spider again!) it all together to see if I can make a cohesive tapestry out of it all that will lead to a research proposal - which is the next assessment after the Lit Review.

So now that beautiful CloudCatcher's online version of WitchCamp is done and dusted, this is where I have landed now the dust is beginning to settle. Back in the world of the Mundane Muggle and focusing once more on the magic that is Arts Therapy - well, the theoretical/research side of it anyway. I have also been working on an art piece dedicated to the Star Goddess from which Iron is birthed but I'll share that when it's done. For now, Dear Reader, go forth and be merry. I'll leave some links here to some books in case you are interested. In Joy!

BOOK LOVE

Magic of the Iron Pentacle

The Power of Your Other Hand

Expressive Writing: Words that Heal

Last day of camp ::sadface::

 It goes so quick, too quick, this WitchCamp journey. Five days seems like a good amount of time but it's not. It's not because the work done in camp is the work of lifetimes and it's an ongoing process. It's just easier to do the work surrounded by a bunch of other humans doing the work too, being guided by amazing Sages who have and are still doing the work too, teaching you, encouraging you. The motivation ebbs as time marches on and #MuggleLife takes over once more. I can already hear my Lit Review stomping its metaphorical feet demanding attention like a two-year-old child. I come out of camp with the best of intentions to keep up the practice but it's never the same, it's never as intensive, it's never as much as what I'd truly like to do, which just makes me appreciate WitchCamp all the more. It's time I get to really dedicate to myself, my own personal growth, it is self-care in its own way and knowing that bettering myself ripples outward like water in a pond.

The last day of Path consisted mostly of wrapping things up in a neat enough little bow. We spoke of different ways to run the Iron, which was so useful and I'm grateful for it. It can be used as a divination tool, it can be used to check in with yourself about why you're feeling a certain emotion - you know, in those times where you are feeling flat or off or meh and you aren't sure why. So many different ways to use the Iron Pentacle and I'm looking forward to trying them. It is my intention to incorporate it into my daily routine before I get out of bed just super quickly run Iron and then go along with my day trusting that even that small thing will have a butterfly effect on my life. As with the last day of all Paths - well, I think so I mean I've only ever done two Paths so far and it's true for both of them - the participants of Path create their own little half-hour ritual in relation to the theme of the Path you were on. We get a half-hour to plan it and then a half-hour to execute it. Our Tech Goddess kind of took the reigns and I was more than happy for someone else with far more experience than I to lead the way and she did an amazing job. She found herself under a lot of time pressure just to get everything done. We all collaborated on the what but the Tech Goddess was in charge of the techie side like creating breakout rooms and organising the music for the ritual, which was essentially a dance party homage to the Iron Pentacle for our awesome teachers to enjoy.

So the group chose either a chant or a song for each point of the Iron Pentacle, the circle was cast and we danced to each song.

For the Sex Point, we had a chant created by (I'm not sure of the spelling) Susanne Stirling called Love is the Law but we changed Love to Sex. I'm unable to find an audio of it but the lyrics went:

All things come from sex

All things return to sex

Sex is the law, sex is the law, sex is the law

I see you, I know you, I am you.

We chanted that a few times through while we danced and then moved on to the Self Point. For Self we chose Madonna's Express Yourself.

Express Yourself

I was surprised by how well I still know all the lyrics!

From there we moved on to Passion with another chant, I'm not sure who wrote this one so cannot give credit but the lyrics went:

I am transforming, lead me to my passion

I am transforming, lead me to my passion

I choose life, YEAH! I choose Courage.

I choose life to dance amongst the stars.

Again, we chanted that a few times before moving on to Pride. Anastacia's Paid My Dues was chosen and we danced to that:

Paid my dues

Lastly, we came to Power and another chant was chosen. Full Height of Power by Kellianna:

Full Height of Power

That was going to be the end of the ritual and the ritual was going to finish there but magic took over and our Tech Goddess had technical difficulties of her own and we had at least two more songs run through before she fixed it, which was hilarious but I could see how frazzled she was. I think it was perfect though and I love how magic just happens no matter how much you plan or try to structure something, magic will have its way, magic will be heard. It was a great end to Path though.

I got to see some of my Affinity group before the closing ritual and that was awesome too. I found out that one of my Affinity peeps who was also a Tech Goddess had the same thing happen at the end of her Path too where her laptop froze her out. It's interesting and makes me wonder if any other Tech Goddesses who were leading something had that happen as well, almost like the powers that be were saying no! Don't stop! Don't end Path! Keep going! But alas, all great things must come to an end.

Normally when at in-person camp the last day is a day of clean up. At camp, each Affinity Group is assigned daily chores and on the last day are assigned two chores to help get the camp back to the same state it was before our arrival. There is something ritualistic about that act in and of itself. The pack down. The gather and packing of your stuff, the cleaning of the areas, people returning all their coffee cups and coming into the Ritual Hall to gather the items they offered to the altars or seeking lost property, people meeting and connecting with each other as they pass on their missions to say fare-the-well and to give and receive copious amounts of hugs. Obviously, that aspect of the wrapping up of camp wasn't there; however, I hadn't done any of my dishes for the whole time other than continually washing my favourite coffee cups so I packed my dishwasher and I took down my own altar and that felt like packing down, it was just missing the hugs.

The camp finished off with the closing ritual which mostly consisted of thanking all the campers who contributed in some way to the running of the camp, devoking the elements, thanking the allies and ancestors and then opening the circle back up again. We did have an intention, which was SHINING STARS DANCE IN LOVE. We also chanted We Are Stars by Suzanne Sterling. When it was all done there is one last process called the dialling down where you stop the swaying that tends to happen during camp like we are all rocking a baby and we have to keep our eyes open and focus on some mundane things like the toilet lid or your toothbrush, etc and we go down the chakra's and close them up like the closing of a camera's aperture or, for me, I imagine a dial from 1 to 10 and all my chakras are pretty much at 8-10 by the end of camp so I turn it way back down to 2-4 and then we imagine a column dropping into the earth to help ground us in the earth before we go off and live our Muggle lives once more.

It's a curious thing energy and feeling it, the difference in it. There was a very distinct difference once that was all done and I was looking on the screen. It felt like I was in a uni class looking at my peers as opposed to ... hmmm, I'm not sure I have adequate words to accurately describe it, it was like there was a softness to the world and I was walking through the very thinnest of mists as we were all travelling between the worlds, behind the thin veil for the duration of camp and by the end, that veil was removed and the mist dispersed. It was a whole different feeling.

Still, it felt strange to get into my car afterwards so I could go rescue my two youngest from their father. <-- that may sound strange but they do not like having to live with him and complain every Sunday they are with me and they have to go to their father's the next day for his week with them so it always feels like I am rescuing them, also because I know the covert damage that man does and I hear it in their stories and the words they use as they off-load their week's experience having to live with him. Plus, coming out of such a supportive and held space, I think I was feeling the need to rescue them from him even more.

So now camp is over for another year. If I had the money I would go to all of them across the globe but until I finish my degree and end up with a job that pays my true worth, I shall just beg and plead for scholarships to be able to attend my 'home' camp. It's home because the Mountain it is held on in person is a mere 20-minute drive from here. It feels strange and sad to be out of camp now and back in the Muggle world but it was good that I could see my kids straight away. They are my world.

No more camp talk now. Not sure what I will blog about moving forward but there will likely be more witchy stuff along the way and definitely arty stuff and most definitely art therapy stuff as I continue to traverse my last year of the bachelor degree. Thank you for reading about my journey. Until next time, in love and laughter, In Joy!

And the self-depreciating begins

It's an interesting thing this Self, isn't it? I think the Iron Pentacle is still calling on me to work in this point, to explore this point, to delve a little deeper, a little sweeter into this point as I sit here two days after WitchCamp now wondering what on Earth I will blog about now. That little voice creeps into my head saying, they won't care now that you do not have your camp experiences to write about. No one will come read and comment now because you have nothing of interest to write about. Maybe that is true, maybe it is not. Maybe without WitchCamp I have nothing left to write about as my mundane life continues to be mundane.

I feel adrift in this sea of Muggle Life, unable to anchor or hook into anything. I have managed to remember to run the Iron Pentacle each day once so I'm still connected in a way, I'm still working at it, perhaps at my lowest capacity but it is still better than nought, yes? I have today finished a piece of art in honour of the Star Goddess, birther of the Iron, of the stars. I hope placing it upon my altar will help remind me, whenever I see it, to run the Iron Pentacle.

Art therapy is NOT about interpreting the art. It is primarily about the process and what comes up in the process, what is expressed in the process, what is shifted in the process. Perhaps a person can gain some new insight, some distance or perspective or perhaps just for that hour the client can be held and witnessed by the art therapist. What I do love to do with my art though is look at it, sit with it and see what it might be trying to tell me as I know without a doubt that art is my unconscious, and even my subconscious and sometimes the collective conscious, talking to me. 

I find the messages by being still with my art, by being present with my art, by being curious about what has happened on the page, canvas, etc. I look at what draws my attention. I look at where something unusual or different might have happened. I seek the symbolism and look for metaphor. All of this can lead to interesting insight and new knowledge.

One of the suggestions on the last day of Path when we were talking about the different ways to run the Iron Pentacle and to tap into the knowledge it holds was a very quick and easy draw the Pentacle and use the drawing to see where blockage might be or where a point might be weak or strong, etc. So if I look at this piece of art dedicated to the Star Goddess and I think of the Iron Pentacle and I notice that the point of Power is sitting lower than the point of Self. Interesting, yes? As though there is a lack of power within myself, it could be that it indicates I give my power away - which I know I do - as the power runs downhill from my Self and directly out to Other. It indicates a lack of balance, perhaps I hold my Self higher than I hold my Power and perhaps in there I don't use my power adequately to get where I would like to go in life because I'm all too willing to keep myself elevated in comfort rather than stepping out of the comfort zone. yet I notice this slight dip back upward at the end of the stroke toward the point of Power indicating that my Power perhaps is now on the rise from where it once was, so that is hopeful.

There is a lot to see in even the simplest of drawings or art pieces if you spend some time with it and especially if you have someone to guide you in questioning you about certain aspects of the art you produced. That's part of what I do as an arts therapist. I provide materials, I create a safe container and I witness my client's process and help them explore what arises. So, there's a lot of unexpected treasure in that painting, that no doubt will arise as I continue to look at it and continue to work with the Iron Pentacle but I'll leave this post with the card I pulled today because it's a good reminder for everyone:

The last ritual already?

Well, the last other than the closing ritual, which is the saddest ritual ever as we wrap up and shut down the circle we've been living in for days and we have to say our goodbyes. That's when you're at the point where you're grateful camp is done but at the same time you never want it to end.

I digress though, this post is about the last big ritual of camp. The theme has been Iron into Pearl and tonight, we fully moved into Pearl. I have never experienced the Pearl Pentacle and I'm still deeply entrenched in the Iron Pentacle so I actually found it quite challenging to allow the Pearl energies to run through me. The intent for the ritual was:

SPIRALLING THROUGH ALL THE WORLDS, EMBODYING POWER AND LIBERATION, LOVE IS RENEWED.

We did the usual, the circle was cast and instead of running the Iron Pentacle tonight, we ran the Pearl Pentacle, which has a really different energy. The two are really distinctly different. The Iron almost feels like molten lava coursing around and through the points, it feels harder, more purposeful, unyielding, unrelenting but Pearl, it was like a balm to a sunburn. It was soft, smooth, silken, milky, gentle. We went into a process where we were all spotlighted on Zoom to be sacredly witnessed. As each person was featured in the spotlight everyone chanted randomly and softly "Love is renewed". We were invited to say some words or a word or make a movement or just sit there to be witnessed.

Before the actual ritual, we always have what is called a Ritual Conspiracy, where we're given a bit of a heads up around what to expect and when they spoke about the spotlighting I could feel my whole body contract. I do not like being in the spotlight... ever. So I had all sorts of emotions brewing around inside me leading into the ritual. I decided, if I was to be brave and let myself be spotlighted, then I was going to paint my face dammit.

It feels a bit safer to be seen with my face paint on. I also decided to have my Monkey with me to shield me while I was there on the screen. It wasn't so bad in the end, not so confronting I guess with the face paint on and the Monkey in the way and seeing some witches smiling at me when I came on screen was nice. I did the Auslan sign for I Love You while I was on the screen. 

I don't know how many, if any, people knew what it meant or what it was but I definitely meant it. I barely know most of these witches but I've truly felt an almost overwhelming love for a lot of them these few days. When I showed up for ritual tonight and we were waiting for people to trickle in I was looking at the names on the screen and seeing how many people I recognise now and I love it. I love it so much. I am deeply hopeful I have found a community I can be part of. It's something I have yearned for my entire life to this point and I really do hope these are the ones. If only I could stop that ridiculous voice in my head that keeps telling me they're just tolerating you, none of these people like you or want you to be here, what you just said was stupid and they're all judging you for the stupid stuff you just shared. I'm sure none of that is actually true but that is how my mind likes to torture me.

Anyway, it wasn't so bad being spotlighted on the screen and then we all got to making loving noises in a great cacophony afterwards and then the circle was opened and we actually got an early night for once! It was good. A little sad yet filled up on Love, which is awesome.

LOVE IS RENEWED.